Free driver training is being offered to 16 to 24-year-olds in Central Bedfordshire and Luton to help young drivers stay safer on the roads and reduce the number being killed or seriously injured.

A full day session, including five different workshops, is being held at the Millbrook Proving Ground on July 7, with 96 places available for youngsters who live in the area.

The MORE 16 and MORE Drive courses, run by Beds Police and the Three Shires Driving School has aided 500 young drivers since being launched in 2010.

Councillor Brian Spurr, spokesman for sustainable communities and services at CBC, said: “Collision statistics tell a bleak story.

“In Central Beds and Luton, between 2009 and 2011, almost 30 per cent of drivers and 36 per cent of passengers killed or seriously injured in road traffic accidents were aged between 17 and 24. Delivering the MORE 16 and MORE Drive courses is part of our commitment to reduce road collisions among this age group.”

Rebecca Bailey, who attended the last course, said, “During the recent bad weather my car skidded while I was on a roundabout. Before attending MORE Drive I wouldn’t have known what to do but thanks to the knowledge I gained from the course I could control the skid and drove away safely.”

To request an application from or for more information email roadsafety@amey.co.uk.

Residents in Bath Road are campaigning for one end of the street to be reopened as they fear a new primary school will cause car chaos.

Bath Road at its junction with Foxglove Way, in Luton, is currently closed to vehicles, and the petition, which was heard at the Central Area Board Committee meeting on Thursday (June 13), asks for it to be reopened from New Bedford Road.

River Bank Primary school is expected to open in September 2013 on the site of the former Wardown Swimming and Leisure Centre.

The campaigners state: “There are no plans to reopen the closed-off section of Bath Road which leads to New Bedford Road. We, the undersigned, are concerned residents of the neighbourhood and believe that traffic through Foxglove Way will cause disruption to the development. We therefore petition to open the restricted section of Bath Road to ease traffic flow around the area.”

The petition is signed by 83 residents from 34 properties in Poppy Close, Primrose Close and Foxglove Way.

The old Bath Road junction was originally closed for safety reasons, as there was poor visibility for drivers.

A report by the council’s traffic and asset team manager states that the junction is not suitable to be reopened to vehicles on safety grounds.

To make it safe, it would cost the council £32,000.

The school does not yet have planning permission and is required in its application to carry out a traffic impact assessment and a school travel plan.

By Connie Primmer

There’s something very reassuring that 12 years have elapsed between Monsters Inc setting new standards for all-round animation excellence and the eagerly-awaited follow-up.

Monsters University is now upon us, but nobody can accuse it of being a kneejerk follow-up to cash in on earlier box office success.

Today every film seems to have a back burner business plan which will ensure any opportunity to build a franchise is exploited – you need to strike while the iron is hot, while you’ve got the stars available, before your pale young vampires grow too old or sprout spots, while your punters still fondly recall your first effort.

One of the joys of animation is that you aren’t bound by the passage of time. In live action, there would be no way that you could reunite the frankly long in the tooth Billy Crystal and John Goodman as the bug-eyed buddies at the centre of the action.

But their voices are still sharp, so there’s no reason why the Monsters Inc team can’t turn back the clock and tell the tale of how the not very terrifying twosome joined the scare squad in the first place.

So it’s back and through the gates of Monsters University, where familiar campus comedy themes are given a twist in a polished prequel that will leave all but the most grumpy film fan with a smile on their face.

The Pixar quality stamp is all over this amiable adventure, with the likes of Steve Buscemi and Helen Mirren also on board.

But it’s not just the acting talent that can take a bow – it’s a class act throughout, carefully constructed so that littlies will love the slapstick antics and the cute characters while grown-ups dragged along for the ride, or forced to endure it on DVD again and again in years to come, will keep finding little jewels to enjoy. An A+ effort, gold stars all round.

If you’re the sort to join the queue to catch a film about giant robots doing battle with maurauding aliens to save the planet, it’s a pretty safe bet that you will sneer at warnings about wearing ear protectors.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, then, when you leave Pacific Rim with your ears ringing and a sense of having been physically assaulted by a wall of sound.

The Transformers-style set up is all you need to know, really – it’s a testosterone-fuelled smackdown between the mechanical monsters and gargantuan adversaries who have emerged from beneath the Pacific Ocean.

There are some humans involved – Charlie ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ Hunnam and Rinko Kikuchi are the mismatched robot pilots centre stage, Idris Elba gets a look in and Guillermo del Toro directs with an eye to the Japanese Godzilla dollar. Undeniably an expensive spectacle, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.

An end-of-term treat and fun fundraiser will be held at Sundon Park Junior on Friday (July 12) when an ice rink is being installed at the school.

Pupils have been asked to wear special bandanas and pay £1 for the privilege to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity, in memory of their friend Reece Nelson.

Two chimpanzees at Whipsnade Zoo have become the first in the UK to be fitted with special heart monitoring devices as part of a pioneering procedure.

The two young males, Phil and Nikki, were selected for the procedure as they were closely related to two young adult male chimpanzees that were diagnosed with cardiovascular abnormalities thought to be genetic.

Data will be analysed over a period of time in order to give a better understanding of heart disease in apes.

The procedure will be shown on ITV1 documentary ‘The Zoo’ tonight (10 July) at 8pm.

A very modern Luton company has doffed its cap at one of the town’s traditional trades.

Socially minded creative agency ATP Media, based in the Hat Factory, Bute Street, has created www.lutonhats.com to showcase what is going on.

ATP has been commissioned to do photography for the town’s museum service and made the website for free!

Young would-be accountants and lawyers have a new way to get into the professions after the opening of a new academy in Luton.

The Barnfield 14-18 Law and Accountancy Academy, in New Bedford Road, offers students the chance to get paid work experience with sponsor organisations.

Money earned will be saved on the students’ behalf and later used to fund them through university.

The academy, launched on Friday by the Barnfield Federation, is a first of its kind in the UK. It will take students from September and is supported by employers including Pictons Solicitors and Vinod Shah & Co.

Jackie Webb, who chairs Pictons, said: “This is the first Law and Accountancy Academy in the country and we very much pledge our support and look forward to seeing the students in our offices at Pictons.”

Student Amy Rees said the academy is a perfect opportunity to gain insight into the work a barrister does, allowing her to stand out from the crowd.

A public meeting is being held tonight (Thursday) over the proposed joint strategy to combat the on-street sex trade in High Town.

Residents can find out about ongoing and future action being taken by Beds Police and Luton Borough Council.

The meeting takes place during an ongoing and robust police operation targeted at kerb crawlers and organised crime.

Cllr Naseem Ayub who has Executive responsibility for Community Safety is keen to stress the strength of the partnership:

“I know that people in Luton are fed up with this trade taking place in their neighbourhoods.

“The Council is absolutely committed to providing effective and practical measures alongside the police enforcement activity.

“We have a shared ambition to protect our communities and residents from the nuisance and harm associated with the on-street sex trade.

“We want this blight removed from our streets by 2018.”

The Council Executive recently approved a dispersal order to tackle anti-social behaviour in the area along with a £50,000 budget for community safety initiatives.

Resources have been allocated to projects that will support workers to leave the sex trade.

Other practical measures have included new doors fitted to secure bin store areas, which had been used by workers in the trade.

Car park barriers have also been installed and increased clean up operations have been implemented.

Chief Superintendent Mark Turner said: “Bedfordshire Police is committed to supporting this strategy and continues to proactively patrol the area with a dedicated team who have in the last six months detained 127 people for kerb crawling, 26 people for other offences, executed three misuse of drugs warrants and gathered a substantial amount of intelligence which will enable the team to plan further operations.

“This has always been a complex and deep- rooted problem which requires long term partnership working from all agencies involved.

“We firmly believe this strategy will support residents in the area who should not be subjected to this kind of anti-social behaviour but also help find long term practical solutions to help those women who find themselves working within the sex trade in the High Town area.”

The meeting takes place at 6.30pm at the High Town Methodist Church.

If you leap over business obstacles in a single bound or can spot an opportunity from miles away you could be just the type to enter a regional business awards scheme.

Launched today (Thursday, July 11) the East of England Business Champions is looking for role models in Bedfordshire, Buckinghamshire, and Hertfordshire as well as other eastern counties to boost confidence and give recession a kicking.

Organiser Damian Cummins said: “All the evidence is pointing to a slow, sure return to growth.

“Now is the time when we need positive role models in business to help give everyone that extra bit of confidence and deal a decisive blow to lingering fears of recession.”

Businesses with a turnover between £25,000 and £5million per annum can enter across eight categories including Business Person of the Year, Employee of the Year, Enterprising Business of the Year, Networking Group of the Year, Training and Development Organisation of the Year, Green Business of the Year, New Business of the Year and the Service Excellence Award.

Each category will be examined by at least four independent judges who will look for clear evidence of success.

Charles Smith, regional chairman with sponsors the Federation of Small Businesses (FSB), said: “The judging process ensures fairness, so we can truly say on the basis of the application form that we select the very best.” Hertfordshire solicitors Crane & Staples are headline sponsors.

Entries close in September and there will be an awards ceremony in October.

To enter visit www.eofebusinesschampions.co.uk

For further details contact organiser Damian Cummins at Events and PR. Email damian@eventsandpr.co.uk

> Businesses in the Bedfordshire part of the region can also enter the Bedfordshire Business Excellence Awards, organised by Premier Newspapers. For details of those awards visit www2.bedfordtoday.co.uk/businessawards2013

Detectives in Luton are appealing for information from the public after receiving reports of shots being fired at a recreation area in Marsh Farm.

The incident happened at approximately 5.30pm on Wednesday, July 10, in a park situated close to The Moakes and the Purley Centre.

No one was injured and the area is currently being examined by Scenes of Crime Officers.

An increased police presence is patrolling the area to speak with local residents and provide reassurance.

Detective Chief Inspector Dave Quarmby, who is leading the force’s fight against gun crime, code named Operation Boson, is urging anyone with information about this incident to speak with officers.

DCI Quarmby said: “A number of people have come forward and spoken with officers about what happened last night but this area was very busy and there are potentially other key witnesses who have yet to speak with the police. I would urge these people to come forward now and reassure them that whatever they say will be used in strict confidence.”

Bedfordshire Police has offered a £1000 reward to anyone who gives the police information that leads to the arrest and conviction of any offender who is involved in gun crime in Luton. This has been matched by Crimestoppers – the crime fighting charity – which has also put up a reward of £1000.

Measures are available to anyone who has information but is fearful of coming forward including confidential reporting and where necessary witness protection or anonymity.

Anyone with information relating to this crime can contact Operation Boson officers at Bedfordshire Police on 101, or text information to 07786 200011.

Alternatively, you can contact the independent charity Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111.

Two Leighton Buzzard companies are among the first to enter prestigious business excellence awards.

Cakes By Shelly is run by Shelly Shulman in North Street, Leighton Buzzard, and is a bespoke wedding and celebration cake supplier.

Mrs Shulman is a serial award-winner and is sure to give other entrants in the Business of the Year (under 50 employees) category a good run for their entries!

The category is sponsored by Mayfair Financial and Mortgage Consultants Limited, based in Bedford.

Another Leighton Buzzard company, called HASCAT Safety, run by Bob Chandler in Highfield Road, has been entered in the Community Investment Category.

That category is sponsored by Crescent Hall, in Luton.

The Bedfordshire and Luton Business Excellence Awards have been organised by Premier Newspapers for the last 20 years in association with Barclays.

There are 10 categories to enter plus the Barclays Choice Award, a best of the best on the night and a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Some £8,200 in advertising is being given to this year’s winners, broken down as follows:

The Barclays’ Choice Award winner will receive £2,000-plus VAT worth of advertising to use in any Bedford or Luton titles. The Business of the Year with less than 50 employees will receive £1,500+VAT. The Business with more than 50 employees will receive £1,500+VAT.

And each of the eight category winners will receive a full colour quarter page worth on average £400+VAT.

To enter visit www2.bedfordtoday.co.uk/businessawards2013

The closing date for entries is September 6 and the awards night is November 7.

Companies across Bedfordshire seeking to create jobs by investing in new equipment and facilities, or those investing in technology and processes to cut their carbon footprint, have been urged to apply for funding help.

Some £2.5million has been put into the Grants4Growth programme across the East of England and the Local Enterprise Partnership which covers Bedfordshire is urging local companies to be quick off the mark.

Business broker James Stancombe is co-ordinating the local programme on behalf of the South East Midlands Local Enterprise Partnership (SEMLEP). He’s aiming to help at least 100 local businesses over the next 24 months, which in turn may help to generate at least 40 new jobs and safeguard many others.

James, based at SEMLEP’s Cranfield offices in Bedfordshire, said: “My job is to ensure that Bedfordshire businesses get as much of the £2.5million as possible,

“My colleagues in surrounding counties will be trying to do the same, which is why it’s essential we really promote Grants4Growth and urge Bedfordshire companies to act quickly.”

Grants4Growth is a free grants programme for small and medium sized businesses which need practical help and financial assistance to help reduce costs, as well as increase competitiveness and resilience.

James added: “All kinds of companies can apply. This month I have been talking to one engineering business owner who makes prototypes and wants a grant to fund a 3D printer, which would improve his product quality and lead times, at a fraction of the cost.

“A firm in Luton has requested support and financial assistance to improve heat recovery in their production process and a sports club has approached me about installing a more environmentally friendly heating system.

“If you want to improve efficiency, reduce carbon emissions and help your business invest to grow then look no further.”

Cheryl Smart, SEMLEP board member and chief executive of the Bedfordshire Chamber of Commerce, said: “This presents Bedfordshire businesses with an exciting opportunity for growth and development. This is a limited pot of funding so we would encourage companies in the county to act quickly and get in touch with SEMLEP today - to secure Grants4Growth funding for themselves.”

Revenue grants are available to businesses seeking specialist consultancy advice, support and studies to promote, market or maintain low carbon and environmental goods and services.

Find out more by talking to Business Broker James Stancombe on 01234 436100, 07920 246813or via email james@semlep.com

For more details about SEMLEP visit www.semlep.com and for more about Grants4Growth visit www.grants4growth.org.uk

A 22-year-old man was assaulted in a ‘vicious and unprovoked’ attack at a park in Luton at the weekend.

Police are now appealing for witnesses to come forward following the incident in Lewsey Park on Saturday between 7pm and 7.15pm.

The victim had parked his black Corsa and was waiting for a friend when he began a conversation with two girls who were standing close by.

The girls noticed a group of boys approaching who they described as ‘annoying’ and chose to leave the area.

The group of boys, described as three black men, between 20 and 25 years old, continued to approach the victim, and for unknown reasons assaulted him.

One of the offenders is described as 6’ tall with an athletic build and tattoos on his arms and neck.

He had short black hair and wore a black t-shirt, green combat trousers and carried a square zip up bag.

Another offender is described as having an athletic build with short black hair and wore a light blue tshirt, black jeans and black training shoes.

The third offender is described as wearing a maroon t-shirt.

The officer in charge of this investigation, PC Deborah Mayes, is keen to trace the girls who were speaking with the victim shortly before the assault or anyone who saw the incident.

PC Mayes said: “This appears to be a vicious and unprovoked assault on this young man who managed to escape from the offenders by running to a nearby house for help. He has attended hospital for treatment to cuts and bruising but is clearly shocked by what happened to him.

“The girls who were speaking with the victim may be able to help identify those responsible for this assault and I would reassure them that they can speak with officers, in complete confidence.

“The young man’s car was also extensively damaged at the scene and I would extend my appeal to anyone who saw the black Corsa being damaged.

“This damage would have caused a lot of noise in the area and we know there were people out in the park enjoying the summer evening, so I would make a direct appeal to those people to come forward and tell officers what they saw.”

Anyone with information relating to this crime can contact PC Mayes at Luton Police Station, in confidence, on 01582 394494, or Bedfordshire Police on 101, or text information to 07786 200011.

Alternatively you can contact the independent charity Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111.

Futuristic buddy movie ROBOT & FRANK (12: Momentum) is an irresistible charmer and a genuine pleasure to watch.

Frank Langella is terrific as the elderly jewel thief slipping into dementia whose busy son invests in a robot carer to improve his quality of life.

But the still-wily cat burglar convinces the ever-calm droid to become his partner in crime and commit one last heist for old time’s sake.

Springing poignant twists en route to its bitter-sweet ending, this engaging character study places compassion and humour above any major use of special effects. And it shuffles the marginal science-fiction elements neatly into the deeply humanist story.

The low-tech robot is winningly played by Rachael Ma and voiced by Peter Sarsgaard, while director Jake Schreier hits just the right tone between laughter and emotion in his heartfelt feature debut.

> A conwoman acquires a mild-mannered accountant’s credit card numbers and lives a life of luxury at his expense in IDENTITY THIEF (15: Universal), a raucous road movie from Horrible Bosses director Seth Gordon.

The outraged victim, Sandy (Jason Bateman), heads to Florida to confront the fraudster, but when he attempts to drag loud-mouthed party girl Diana (Bridesmaids’ Melissa McCarthy) back to face justice, the subsequent trip leads to all manner of farcical high jinks.

What results is a lopsided yarn of broad physical comedy and pithy verbal jousting between the two leads, whose contrasting styles interrupt the pace and flow of the story.

Bateman is, to all intents and purposes, the straight man, while McCarthy’s larger-than-life felon veers towards the annoyingly overbearing.

> Although not strictly about the global financial meltdown, ARBITRAGE (15: Koch Media) says more about the nature of corporate greed than other dramas. Richard Gere plays a hedge fund mogul whose world has begun to fall apart, both professionally and personally.

Not only is he caught up in a financial fraud that could scupper his plans to sell his company, but when he leaves the scene of a car accident that results in the death of his mistress, he finds himself facing a potential prison sentence.

Old silver fox Gere gives one of his best performances in recent years as the suave corporate shark, on the surface the charity-giving, caring face of capitalism, but willing to play every dirty trick in the book to save his fortune and liberty. Tim Roth is equally good as the dogged detective who, for once, doesn’t want the rich to get away with it.

Susan Sarandon and Brit Marling, as Gere’s wife and daughter, increase the value of this very polished thriller.

> The celebrated Canadian circus company takes viewers on a journey through several of their shows, linked by a story of one girl’s love for a trapeze artist, in CIRQUE DU SOLEIL: WORLDS AWAY (PG: Paramount).

Mia is entranced by the acrobatic exploits of The Aerialist and when the circus ring magically sucks him into a mysterious underworld, she follows him to the other side.

Cue a series of excerpts from such Cirque “greatest hits” as Kà, Mystère and Zumanity.

Beautifully choreographed, with remarkable performances and set design, but I imagine the film lacks the thrill of seeing the shows live.

A45-year-old-man had his business takings snatched from his car on Thursday, July 11.

The incident happened outside a property in Toddington Road in Luton at about 12.20pm as the victim was leaving home to go to the bank.

The victim put a bag containing the cash in the front seat of his car but returned to his home to check that he had locked the front door. As he did this a man smashed the window of his car and snatched the cash before getting in to a black hatchback car which was being driven by another person.

The culprits then drove from the scene towards Leagrave Railway Station.

The first offender is described as a white man, approximately 5ft 6ins tall, 30 years of age and well built. He wore a black baseball cap and a black jacket. There is no description of the car driver.

The officer in charge of the investigation, Det Con Dave Elias is keen to trace other motorists who were in the area.

He said: “The offenders clearly saw the victim placing the money in to his car and other motorists may have seen the men sitting in the black hatchback car prior to the robbery.

“We also know that several other motorists stopped close to the scene and watched what was happening as the robbery was taking place but these people have not yet contacted the police.

“These people are important witnesses and I would urge anyone who witnessed this incident or anyone who has information about the men responsible to contact the police, in confidence.”

Anyone with information relating to this crime can contact Det Con Elias at Luton Police Station, in confidence, on 01582 394376, or Bedfordshire Police on 101, or text information to 07786 200011.

Alternatively you can contact the independent charity Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111.

“Today at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen to believe in each other! Today we face the monsters that are at our door, today we are cancelling the apocalypse!”

There are echoes of Independence Day as, in the near future, giant Kaijus monsters rise from a portal beneath the Pacific Ocean and start to lay waste to our cities, and millions die.

In order to combat these Godzilla-like monsters, we humans create a new type of weapon – massive, piloted battle robots called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are bound in a neural link which lets them share the mental strain which would otherwise overwhelm a single human noggin.

The Jaeger programme under the command of Stacker Pentecost (Idris ‘Luther’ Elba) looks like might just work as we take the fight to the monsters, but as new Kaiju begin to adapt and we start losing Jaegers at an alarming rate, earth’s leaders decide to divert funding into building a Wall Of Life to try and keep the monsters at bay.

All clear so far? Well, what you really need to know is that respected director Guillermo ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ del Toro takes on Michael ‘Transformers’ Bay at his own game here and comes away victorious with a totally epic big budget blockbuster that sees some of the best special effects ever committed to screen used to bring the action to edge-of-your-seat life.

There were moments when I couldn’t help watching my 12-year-old son’s reaction to the on screen fights – he was wide-eyed and completely captivated to the point where he was making punching motions urging on the heroic Jaegers.

“That was awesome,” he told me afterwards. The boy is right.

The brave Jaeger pilots include Raleigh Becket (Charlie ‘Byker Grove’ Hunnam), a washed-up former pilot called out of retirement by the Pan Pacific Defense Corps who has to team up with Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi), who was rescued from the Kaiju that killed her parents as a young girl.

There are also a Russian team and a hotshot Australian team, who are obviously better at piloting giant robots than they are at cricket.

With the complete annihilation of the human race at stake, the few final Jaegers are marshalled in a daring attempt to get a nuclear warhead into the breach and stop the Kaijus once and for all. You’ll be cheering them all the way as Pacific Rim delivers a megaton thrill-ride that demands your attention on the big screen.

See what star Idris Elba has to say about the movie in our video report

Hart Hill adventure playground in Luton is holding an open day on July 22 where you can try African Djembe drumming or test your composing and DJ skills.

There will be African food and children’s fashion show, dancing, singing and music making activities for the whole family

The event will promote free music activities and lessons for children as part of a youth music project and the chance to gain an arts award qualification.

Before buying cosmetics or hair colourants, do you check the label?

Luton Borough Council’s Trading Standards service has issued a safety warning for consumers and retailers after recently seizing 640 products on sale locally which were not correctly labelled in line with UK law.

Testing revealed many of the products contained banned or dangerously high levels of chemicals in the following facial skin lightening creams: Stillmans, Faiza, Pearl, Seven Herbal Ubtan and Roop Amrit. Potentially dangerous henna included hair products Moon Star and skin product Rani Kone Black. Testing on other seized products is under way.

The facial whitening creams contained mercury which is banned from all EU products. Mercury is poisonous and can damage the kidneys, skin, brain and nervous system. Pregnant women using skin lightening creams containing mercury could potentially harm their unborn baby. Breast feeding mothers using these creams may have mercury in their milk, which is then passed on to their infant.

PPD (p-phenylenediamine) is a chemical banned from skin products. It can cause nasty reactions if applied directly to the skin, producing a swollen and sore red burn-like mark and increased sensitivity to PPD. Although up to 2 per cent PPD is permitted for use in hair colourants, these products must carry special warning labels and clear instructions; hair colourants containing it should not be used by anyone under 16.

Cllr Mohammed Ashraf, portfolio holder for Trading Standards, said: “The seized cosmetic products appear to be from outside Europe and are missing the importer details who should get the products safety assessed and hold the information about them. The Council’s Trading Standards service is asking local retailers to check their stock and remove any potentially dangerous cosmetics from sale, and officers are continuing with spot checks on retailers.”

He added: “We are also urging local people to check their own supplies and not to use any cosmetic product which is not properly labelled, tell us where they bought it. Anyone who has been using these products and feels unwell should contact their GP.”

Trading Standards officers are also urging retailers to buy beauty products from known reliable suppliers and not to stock cosmetics including eye liners, lipsticks and mascaras unless they are correctly labelled because they may contain mercury and/or other banned chemical such as arsenic and lead.

For further advice please call Trading Standards on 01582 547262 or use ERWIN web site - http://www.everythingregulation.org.uk/

Police are appealing for residents to contact them if they have been approached by a man asking for money.

Several incidents of an Asian man calling at homes in the Biscot and surrounding areas of Luton have recently been reported.

The man tells residents he has just moved in close by and needs a lift or money.

He appears to target elderly residents and so far it is believed seven people have given him cash.

A man has been arrested and bailed on the offences but police want to hear from anyone else affected. Contact Beds Police on 101.

Alternatively you can contact the independent charity Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111.

Although I often try to offer helpful suggestions about how the world could be a better place, I don’t see it as part of my wide-ranging remit to set out the standards society expects when it comes to social situations.

Pippa Middleton and I have a loose agreement – she’ll have a clear field on blindingly obvious party planning tips and I’m free to tackle anything else, as long as I resist the temptation to slip on a figure-hugging dress and steal her thunder.

But this week I have to take a step onto unfamiliar ground in order offer the following simple guidance, which I hope will prove of use:

1. If you are attending a family gathering for approaching 30 people, and you are expected to bring a dish, just bring the dish that was expected. Please.

2. If you had agreed to provide a trifle, arrive at the appointed time with a finished trifle, in a bowl, with cling film on it. If you insist on hundreds and thousands, it’s your call. Leave out the banana, though, because it’s disgusting.

3. Resist the temptation to just wing it, having seen a finished conversation-stopper dessert in a picture in some glossy magazine and decided that it’s just what will help the party go with a swing. It isn’t. Particularly if you haven’t even got the recipe.

4. On arrival at the gathering in question, if the host is manfully laying out a buffet spread of sufficient size and range to satisfy a small town do not expect to be able to monopolise large areas of the kitchen at a moment’s notice.

5. Do not, on any account, produce a whole watermelon, some cartons of cream, and a selection of chopped fruit and set to work.

6. If you can avoid it, don’t buttonhole the host as he dashes from bread-chopping to salad-tossing to drink serving and ask him for a large knife, a chopping board, an electric mixer and bowl and two large plates.

7. Try to anticipate that, once you have hacked away at the watermelon, whipped up the cream, and arranged the fruit to your heart’s desire, creating something that looks like the bastard child of a baked Alaska and a pavlova, that your hard-pressed host – having carefully catered for a large group, with a range of main course and dessert options, may not easily be able to set aside about half the available fridge space to accommodate your double whammy surprise so that it doesn’t disintegrate before serving time on the hottest day of the year. The fridge is already full, and he’s got bread to chop.

8. Guinea pigs do not like watermelon. Well, they might like watermelon but not when it is covered with cream.

9. If you are hosting a family event in the near future, and you request similar support, be prepared for surprises. Revenge, as we all know, is a dessert dish best served cold.