Dear earthling reader, you probably don’t realise this but your whole existence is due to wealthy aliens who are ‘farming’ us in order to use our bodies as the ingredients for a valuable life-bestowing elixir, writes Matt Adcock.
But wait, who is this plucky (gorgeous) young lady who it turns out actually has just inherited the earth and might try to save us? Why, only Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who thinks she’s just a poor Russian immigrant who cleans toilets and lives with her deeply annoying relatives.
Under threat from her evil galactic co-heirs (Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth, and Tuppence Middleton), their private armies, bounty hunters and devious schemes, which include trying to marry her, only one half man/ half dog hero can save the day. Step forward Caine Wise (Channing Tatum).
So the grand space opera plot is set, but from here Jupiter Ascending implodes with utter stupidity, self-indulgent, groan-worthy narrative, pointless and rather boring ‘action’ scenes and some of the worst acting ever put on screen.
This film is an absolute stinker. It pains me to say that as I really love The Matrix, which shares the same writers/directors and can appreciate even the cheesiest sci-fi, much of which is unfairly derided by film critics. But I’m not being a hypocrite here. Jupiter Ascending is a colossal waste of talent, special effects budget and viewer’s time.
Tatum looks awkward throughout – not helped by having to wear ridiculous elf -like ears which look like leftovers from The Lord Of The Rings. Kunis must be up for some kind of award for being a good-looking but totally vacant central character.
Sean Bean pops up as gun-slinging pal of Caine, Stinger, but gets relegated to standing by watching and cheering – even though he has the same kick ass battle angel mech armour as the hero.
The Wachowskis need to take a long hard look at themselves and try to find where their Matrix magic has gone before making any more movies. Viewers should meanwhile give this film a swerve.